The neoliberal story of Jimmy Crossbower

I've been working in a documentary about anarchism, workers war and anarcho-syndicalism around the world in general and in Australia in particular. Because this reason I had too many discusions with few groups of neoliberals via twitter. They make me understand that neoliberalism is even more stupid I've ever thought. Anyway, this story is based in all the arguments that they gave to me to defence the capitalist system.

-Jimmy Crossbower, Jimmy Crossbower, please go to secretariat.

I heart my name by the speaker about five minutes before the break time. This was being a very weird morning. All the chicken sexers had been in silence during hours. This advice broke the ice and it was a surprise for everyone me included.

I stopped my labors and I went straight to secretariat. Maybe this was going to be the upgrade I’ve been waiting for.

-Did you called me? –I asked after I knocked the door.

-Hi Jimmy, please come inside –Mrs Laurent explained to me -. Mr Amancio wanna see you.

Mr Amancio was the owner of the factory and all the factories around the world. He started with nothing and suddenly he became in the richest guy in the world. He had an incredible idea: determinate the sex of the chickens two days after they born and then produce more meat and eggs. Is easy: if have to wait four weeks to know if this new little chick is male or female you are not redeeming properly the time. In this four weeks you can feed this like a hen to put more eggs or like a chicken to be bigger and bigger and could kill him as soon as possible and sell it like food. And obviously it can be translated as money. More money for set up more factories and get more money. In other words, he was my idol.

-Hi Jimmy, nice to meet you.

-Hello Mr Amancio, the pleasure is mine.

Amancio was very folksy. He used to sleep each night in different houses and going there via different ways only for avoid terrorist acts, but then he can say hello to you like if he were a normal person. It made me feel so comfortable.

This guy was very folksy too... But the floksier guy ever is the elephant killer.

-Please, take a sit –he said-. Do you know what I ordered to call you and make you came here?

-I have no idea, Mr Amancio.

-Well… You know, during the last years we are not earning money enough.

-I’m so sorry, Mr Amancio.

-Yeah, me too… The situation is really terrible, I must find out a solution this month…

-Is it so bad?

-Sure… Look, I had to sell one of my boats to Bill Gates only for pay the petrol of my private jet.

-Oh no! This is so terrible! And what are you going to do? I’m sure you’ll find out something, you are absolutely enterprising.

-Well, I have one idea… But I need your help. Do you think you were able to help me?

-Me?? It would be a really big pleasure, Mr Amancio. What can I do?

-Well… I think that maybe you can talk with the other workers and tell them that they must work faster and during more hours.

-But… Mr Amancio, we are determining the sex of 10,000 chicken per hour.

-Yeah, I know, but… If we determinate the sex of 15,000 chicken per hour we can improve our production a 50%.

-Really?

-Actually if we rise to 16,000 chicken we’ll improve that in a 60%.

-Mr Amancio, excuse me because the idiom but you are a fucking genius.

-Thanks, thanks… But keep calm, there is more.

-Seriously?

-They will not receive extra money for that.

-NO!

-Yes…

-OH MY GOD! THAT’S IT!

-Do you like the idea?

-Is fantastic, Mr Amancio. You are a genious.

-Is the only choice, last month I had to pay $30 in taxes to the government…

-Fucking corrupts, they only survive thanks the private company.

-Yeah, I know… Have you idea what can I do with $30? I can hire 2 young guys in Bangladesh for this money.

-Sure, the state is a den of thieves…

-Well, Jimmy, so… Will you tell this to the workers?

I accepted and I got out. I said good bye to the secretary and I went to my job position. Unfortunately it was the end of the break, but didn’t care to me.  Mr Amancio, who was the most enterprising person at the world, had gave a lesson to me.

All the workers was outside. My happiness contrasted with their weird behavior, but even that I went to talk with one of them.

-Hey, Viktor.

He didn’t answered. He looked at me and paid attention to what I was saying, but he didn’t say anything.

-I’ve been talking with Mr Amancio now, and… Well, he got an idea to pass the crisis.

Even my surprising news he continued in silence.

-His plain is that we must work harder and more hours for the same money. He is a genius, isn’t is? Eh?

-What?

-Yes, I also got surprised, but… Is fantastic! He told me that he need it to re-buy his last boat, which have been sold to Bill Gates to pay for…

-Are you kidding me?

-Not at all. I’m gonna tell the others and then we can going to celebrate it. By the way, tonight we’ll go out at 23:00 and tomorrow we must start at 07:00, but probably we can be here at 07:15 if we explain to Mr Amancio that the reason was the celebration party. You know, he is very comprehensive... Are you in? Oh my god, I wanna tell the others it righ now!

-Jimmy… Let me… Let me tell the others it, ok?

I accepted and I went to buy a coffee. Sometimes is good help a jobmate, but you must leave him grow up.

When I arrive at the coffee shop and I ordered my cappuccino, Stuard, the Bar Tender, was very weird too.

-Aren’t you going? -He asked to me-.

-Going? Going where?

He explained me muttering:

-Today is the day.

I didn’t get it.

-What day?

-Jimmy… The others workers have been organizing this day. Is the revolt day. They are gonna take the control of the factory. They are going to overthrow Amancio.

-What??

-Oh Jimmy, come on… If Amancio is rich is because of the workers, so let them take what is theirs.

-The factory?

-This factory and all the factories around the world. No patterns nor slaves.

-But… It is…

-Yeah, I know… It must have been years ago, but…

-No! Are you kidding me? Amancio has an idea to solve the crisis!

-To solve the crisis for who? Because I’m sure that after this idea you’ll be as poor as now or even more, and he’ll be richer than ever. Am I wrong?

-Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you??

-Jimmy, wake up… You don’t live in a world with…

-No! Amancio is who creates the richness! He doesn’t need anyone! He started from nothing and he can do it again!

- But Jimmy…

-Jimmy is getting out. Fuck you!

I leaved the coffee shop and I knew that I’ll never come there again.

There are limits.

When I came back to my work place there was nobody there. All the staff was outside protesting with banners and megaphones. I was the only one in the building, excluding Mr Amancio and his secretary. She called me again.

-JIMMY CROSSBOWER, COME INMEDIATELY TO THE AMANCIO’S OFFICE!

I went there in a hurry and Mr Amancio was so angry.

-COULD I KNOW WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL THEM??

-Mr Amancio, I… I don’t… I couldn’t say too much…

-What the hell is happening?

-I heart that… That they wanna take the control of the factory.

-TAKE THE WHAT?

-The control of the factory, Mr Amancio.

-That’s stupid.

-Yeah, I know, but they…

-I set up this.

-I know, Mr Amancio.

-With my own hands!

-I know, Mr Amancio.

-I had the fucking idea, come on!

-I know, Mr Amancio.

-And know they wanna take the control only because they work here 70 hours per week? I’m turning unemployed people into employed, fuck off!

I didn’t answer, he was so excited. The telephone rang and Amancio answered even angrier than before.

-Yes?? … No, it’s not a good moment, the workers of my factory in Momb… What?? … Oh my god, your workers too? … Fuck off, and why? … Oh, wait, wait… Someone is calling me by the other phone… Yes? … No, Bill is in the other line, his workers and mines had become a revolut… Not really, yours too? Ok, ok, don’t worry… Yes, we’ll find out something. Call you back now… Sure, sure. See you… Bill, it was George… Yes, he too… He tried to phone you to telling you, but… Yes, I know, I know… Keep Calm George… Ok, let me think something and I’ll call you again… Yes, I’ll call you… Ok, ok. I’ll do it, sure. Call you later. Bye.

-Mr Amancio, you are really good managing business. How do you do…?

-Shut up, Jimmy!

I stayed in silence.

-It is not spontaneous. Bill and George told me that they have the same problem too. Did you know anything about that?

-I had no fucking idea, Mr Amancio. I’ve never heard about…

-Ok, ok, fuck… Ok Jimmy, having an idea. Could you try to guess what the fucking hell they want?

-What?

-Please, talk with the leather or with someone and tell him that we can arrange a meeting or something... And then let me know, ok?

I went out looking for Viktor. He was outside with an eggs box throwing it to the factory. The police was at the parking, but there was only 2 cars against 2,000 workers.

-Fucking state, the companies are paying taxes and now there are only two cars…

Then I discovered that there were no police enough for stop the strikes in all the factories.

I found Viktor and I asked him what the hell had happened.

-We have planned this during months. We cannot pay our rents, our food nor our bills while the owner is getting rich and rich. We must stop this, we are the workers and he is rich because of us, and…

-Oh, really?

-What?

-Shut up! And fuck you! You are not rich because you don’t try hard enough.

-I’m working 16 hours per day for less than $3 per hour.

-Well, if you don’t like this, just set up a new business. Everyone can do it.

-What the hell? You know that it’s false.

-Why not? Oh, yeah, because you have to pay taxes, isn’t it? So the problem is not against Mr Amancio, it would be against the government who is always stealing us for get public hospitals and schools… If you wanna go to the hospital set up a new one with your effort and sacrifice, like Mr Amancio did with this factory!

Viktor looked at me. He was missed.

-What?

-I’m only saying that Amancio is not the guilty. He also has problems, you know?

-Are you kidding me?

-Oh, god… Look, forget it. Mr Amancio wanna talk with the leather of all of this. Who is?

-There is no leathers.

-There is no leathers?

-No. That’s an anarcho-syndicalism revolution. There’s not leathers, we are the workers and will get the control of the factories to put off all the patterns. There is not the leather role, it doesn’t exist.

-But… Mr Amancio told me that… Oh, shit.

I went again to Mr Amancio’s office and explained him what was happening.

-Mr Amancio, sorry for interrupt but…

-That’s ok, Jimmy. Jimmy, say hello to my friends Bill and George.

Bill and George was on the TV in a conference.

-Nice to meet you. Mr Amancio, I’ve been talking with the workers and…

-Anarcho-syndicalism, isn’t it?

-Wow… Yeah, how did you know that?

-It happen as well at the factories of my friends.

-Ok, so… That’s is. Maybe you prefer talk in private…

-Thank you. Get home now. I’ll call you if I need it.

I'll be waiting, Mr Amancio. I'll be waiting...

I arrived at my place and I slept during hours. The next day I couldn’t go to work: the workers of all the factories had taken the control of everything: public transport, super markets... Even the TV was taken over. I only could think that they was fucking unhappy people who only can feel envy of guys like Mr Amancio, really hard workers. And obviously the state. Always the fucking state! We are paying taxes for creating services for everyone, what the hell is this? Stalin started with a system like this and then he killed a million of billions of babies, most of them only for the breakfast.

After a couple of weeks my phone sound again. It was Mr Amancio.

-Jimmy, you must come to my place. I’ve got an incredible idea. See you here at 11 am!

I arrived at 10:15 because I hadn’t another thing to do. I knocked the door and there was Mr Amancio, George, Bill and other 15 guys that I didn’t know.

-Jimmy, you arrive early… Well, that’s ok, I’ll let you know right now: we are going to create the biggest company in the world for avoid this movement.

-Really?? Oh jesus, thank you very much! What are you going to set up?

-Well, all this people are the owners of the most important companies all around the world. Basically the idea is start to sell our products very cheap…

-Cheaper than now?

-Cheapest ever.

-Wow…

-Free.

-Free?

-Free.

-What the hell? You are not going to earn money if you sell your things for free.

-That’s the point: I’ll become absolutely rich!

-But… How?

-Well, my idea is pay nothing to the employers.

-Hopefully, unless I’d think you got crazy. What’s about the others?

-They agree with me. We control the 99% of the world industry, so we decided don’t pay to anyone and don’t earn money with anything.

-So… What are you gonna do? I mean, usually you spend all your time in get business with other companies and…

-I’ll become a worker. In fact all of us will become workers.

-WHAT??

-Normal workers, yes. It’s the birth of the new company: Anarchism PTY LTD.

-And... What happen with the state?

-Well, we are not earning money so we don’t have to pay money…

-And how are you going to earn money?

-We’ll not do it. If I need something, like another boat, I only have to take it.

-But that’s terrible… What will happen with your toothbrush?

-Jimmy, seriously, no one is gonna use my toothbrush.

-And if you wanna go to a good doctor?

-You only have to go there. The idea is that everyone has a job and…

-And who’s gonna pay this doctor?

-No one. I mean, he’ll be able to use all the things all around the world. He’ll be as rich as possible and no one has to pay for that.

-So everyone can become a doctor. You can die!

-I’m not gonna going to a doctor who is not a real doctor.

-But… That’s the caos!

-It isn’t! We are organized, we only are going to erase the money, but the people will continue working – we included.

-No… No… Oh, jesus, no! The state have brainwashed you!

-Jimmy, keep calm and…

-Fuck you, Mr Amancio! Fuck every one!

I ran to my home and I took all my valuable goods and I went to my garage. I took the money that I saved in my wardrobe: about a couple of millions that I saved to setting up my future business someday. I used to think that one day, in the future, my garage will be my anti-zombies shelter, so I had batteries and cans of everything enough for three years. This was my home and my country during 25 months. It was so boring, but I had important things to do during all this time: playing pokemon in one of the corner, crying while saying “the guilty is on the state” and sleeping. When I finished the game and there was no more cans of food, I decided going out just to checking. At the end of the days, maybe everything had failed. Perhaps Anarchy PTY LTD now doesn’t exist.

"Look who's back"  is a nobel based on the same idea. You can read it in your eBook in English or Spanish.

People at the street looked happy. I was pretty sure that everything turned into the normality so I decided ask someone about the economic situation. There was an old woman walking with her dog.

-Excuse me… What’s about the invisible hand who regulate the market?

-What?

-Yes, you know… An invisible hand that makes everything work…

-I don’t know… It sounds really utopic.

Obviously she had no fucking idea about economy. But doesn’t matter, I decided continue walking and going to my old job. Maybe Amancio was willing to give me another chance.

When I entered at the factory there was too many new faces. I didn’t know anyone. I asked the first person I saw.

-Excuse me… Do you know if the owner is here?

He laught.

-What?

-The owner. Mr Amancio, you know…

-AH! Oh, yeah, Amancio. You make me laugh when you said that… Yeah, well, he must be here, but…

Suddenly Amancio arrived in a hurry.

-Excuse me guys –Amancio said-, there was a terrible traffic this morning and… Oh my god, Jimmy! How are you doing, guy?

-Mr Amancio! Nice to see you again! Look, I’m so sorry about what…

-Oh my god, Jimmy! We thought that you had died!

-No, I was… Outside. Look, I’m coming to apologize for…

-No, don’t worry, it’s ok.

-What have happen with all the workers? I don’t know anyone know. Did you fire them?

-Not, not really… They are new employers, that’s it.

-So the company came back to the rutine.

-Not really…

-What you mean?

-All this guys are volunteers. And sorry, but I must start to check the sex of the chickens…

-What? Are you a normal worker?

-Well, I don’t have another option.

-Why not? You are the owner! This is your factory!

-No Jimmy, after the revolt this factory is propriety of all the humans.

-And who is your boss? Who pay you?

-I told you two years ago: there is not money. We don’t need it. People around all the world produce things, and people around all the world use things. That’s it.

-So… Now everyone is poor?

-No. Everyone is rich.

-But they are working for no money.

-They are working because world needs this production. The salary is… Use and take whatever you need for live.

-Anyone has money?

-No.

-But I have a lot of bills at my place.

-Don’t need it.

-Actually I need to buy some food, I spend all my expenses in this months and…

-You don’t need it. You only have to work and then you can take whatever you want. Anarhism PTY LTD, it works Jimmy.

-But I don’t have a job, I can’t…

-Well, just do whatever you want. I think you could be a good clown…

-Are you kidding?

-World needs clowns, I’m only saying that you can be one…

-You are crazy. Everyone is crazy. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck the world. Fuck the state. Fuck Charmander. Fuck EVERYTHING!

1.-Ha ha ha.

2. Ha ha ha.

3. Oh my god, everything sucks.

I went back to my place and I spend another two days in my bunker-garage. I had anything to eat and finally I did something stupid: I started to eat bills and coins. It was my only chance, and now… Here I am, writing my last letter. I call Mr Amancio right now to tell him that when he were reading my text message I will be dead. Also, and just in case that you find myself alive, please don’t bring me to a Public Hospital. If there is not private services in the world, leave me here. I don’t wanna continue living in a world without the freedom of set up private services.

Finally, if you find myself dead, remember that my death was caused by the oppressor state.

Kind Regards,

Jimmy Crossbower.

#LET

Questions and discusions at the comments. FAQ: Jimmy doesn't exist, LET means "liberales en twitter" (liberals at Twitter) and PTY LTD means, in my native language, something like S.A. or S.L. Up to you if you want translate it. The joke still funny even that, isn't it? Oh, and yeah, sorry... I don't know why, but I find very interesting talking about chicken sexers. I apologize for that. And remember: you cannot eat the money. Although you were neoliberal. This is the real life. Sorry for that.

How I met your mother

This story was written originally for this blog, but I published first in my other blog in Spanish. If you want to read it in the Cervantes language, just follow this link. If you prefer to correct my mistakes in the Shakespeare Language, please continue here.

The living room was in silence. George broke it.

-Guys, let me tell you the most beautiful story you'll ever listen.

Probably you think you have listened this story before. Well, there are a lot of versions.

 

The teenagers didn’t answer. There was no point in it, at the end of days it was true: they wasn’t going to listen something like this never more.

 

-Everything started a sunny morning when I went to my work. I don’t know if she told you, but at that time I was the looser of the office. Sad but true, isn’t it? Anyway, I worked as chicken sexer in an important multinational. I was able to sort out more than a thousand chicken per hour. Too much? Well, my job mates people used to classify more than five thousand with less than a 1% of errors. Awesome? Fuck them. But the fact is that my low speed looking the sex of the birds was terrible for the company. Why I continued working there? Well, basically because we was more than 100 chicken sexers. The first day of the month, when Mr Amancio, the boss, saw the results, came to the workshop trying to find who was the slower guy, and obviously the next this guy was a new unemployed… But I never was this person. I had my own tip: over my desk I always had a lot of papers and letters. It really was flyers about The Riviera Club. The Riviera, you know, guys… The Striptease club, you are old enough to know it.

At this moment her mother looked at George really worried.

-Ok, ok, sorry for that… Anyway, when Mr Amancio came I used to take this lot of papers and start to run very serious, like if it was something important. My goal was only one: going out before he saw that I was the slower employed. And it always worked: I took my papers at the moment that he appeared at the door. I only said things like “Hey, Mr Amancio! Let me go, it’s urgent!” or “Excuse me, but… You’ll receive an email about that, cannot explain you now!” Then I only had to go to the coffee bar and spend there one or two hours. Mr Amancio used to go out before, but just in case he continued there I took again the papers and run again to my work position. I had missed two hours, it was perfect. In this time a normal employed could determinate the sex of more than ten thousand chickens. I didn’t sex anyone, but I continued in my job.

The guys continued with their eyes on George, but they didn't say anything.

-Sincerely, guys: I hated my job. It was the worst shit ever, but… I needed the money. Rober, please, could you bring me a glass of wine? You know, I shouldn’t stand up…

Rober looked at Helen, his sister, and then he went to the kitchen and served George a little of wine from a bottle called «Albariño».

-Excellent wine –I said when I tasted it-. Where is it from? I do really like it.

-I don’t know –Rober said-. I just… I just find it at the supermarket.

-Nice, nice… Well, where I was? Oh, yeah, my fucking job… What time it is?

-Ten to seven –Rober said, really nervous.

-Ten to seven?? We have not too much time. Ok, quickly… Yes, well, the main thing is I hated my job. It was a terrible routine: I had to wake up at 6am, take a shower, get some breakfast, spend one and a half hour in the traffic jam and entre at the workshop at 9am. Then I had to be there till 1pm looking to the fucking ass of the fucking chicken, and after one hour of brake, continue looking asses till 7pm. After a very productive day –about 9 hours looking 9,000 chicken asses- I had to take again my old car and going to my little apartment. This was my life during the 11 years before. I started to work in Chickxer, the chicken sexer company set up by Mr Amancio, when I finished my degree in graphic design. Someone told me that it was a career with a lot of future… Ha! Anyway, I spent 11 fucking years of my life in this cove. Do you know how my life was during this 11 years? I’ll tell you: I hadn’t friends. I had time enough to meet new people! When I arrived at my place I smelled like chicken. I smelled like ass chicken even after 3 showers with bleach and acetone. Do you know how many times could I pick up any girl in 11 years? I’ll tell you too: Zero! I thought every day in commit suicide, but I was not brave enough. But always changed the day I met your mother… Grace, Darling, do you want to sit down with us?

Grace came to the coach slowly. She took a chair and join them in the living room. She was so nervous as well, looking continuously her clock. George did the same: six to seven. It was later than George thought, so he carried on with his story.

-The day I met your mother Mr Amancio came to the workshop. When I took my papers and I started to run, saying hello to Mr Amancio, I stumbled over her. She was at the workshop with the guys of her class teaching them how a chicken sexer company works, and accidentally I throw all my papers. Mr Amancio came to help us. First your mother, of course, and then I… But he turned really furious when he saw that my papers hadn’t relationship with the work – in fact, this papers was flyers of the striptease club, I told you. He said that I was the worst human person he’d ever known, and that I should be ashamed about my behavior in front of the children, and said too that I had not to go to work the next day. But it didn’t matter to me, because I just had met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen: your mother.

-You are…

Grace was going to cry, but George interrupted her.

-Grace, Grace… Please! Let me finish. What time is now?

-Four minutes –She said, with tears in her eyes-.

-Ok, it’s ok… Well, guys, this is what happened when I met your mother. She felt so bad because, thought, I had lost my employ because her fault. I was like I shit, I mean, I do really hate this fucking job, but this terrible profession was all that I had. But when I finished to take all my things your mother came to talk with me to apologize about what had happened. I was pretty nervous, it was the first time in 11 years that a girl talked to me. Mr Amancio had left the place and she apologized about what had happened. She suggested me to have a dinner together, so we arrange a meeting the next week in her place. It was the happiest moment in my life. Suddenly I had forgotten the idea of commit suicidal, I knew that dying was not going to make me feel good. What I do really wanted to do was being with your mother. Well, being with your mother and put a bomb in the workshop… What first of all being with your mother. She was so gorgeous… Isn’t she? Look at your mother, Rober. Isn’t she the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen?

Rober looked at her mother.

-Mum, I… I love you.

Grace cried and hugged his son.

-Guys, guys… It isn’t time to be cheesy. Come on, what time is now?

-Three to seven –Helen said, looking to the clock and crying-.

-Ok, so you should know the ending… I spent one week having 5 showers per day with bleach and acetone, and when I could erase the smell of the ass chicken I went to get some dynamite and a gun – you never know when you will need it. My plan was so easy, going to the workshop after dinner with your mother and destroy it… But how was I going to know that she is the bitchiest woman in the world?

-We only want to apologize for that!

-Grace, please, don’t scream… Respect the corpse of your husband, please.

Both children looked at the carpet when the corpse of his father was.

-Guys, I have to tell you something: I like you. I know that outside there is dozens of police cars, two helicopters… Doesn’t matter, I’m going to die. But you don’t have to do it. If you promise me that you are not going to be a fucking asshole if you are the boss any day, it won’t be a problem if you want to go. Obviously, your mother will die here, with me, but you can save your life if…

And then the clock started to sound: it was seven o’clock.
 

-Sorry guys. Too late.

The bomb exploded. The explosion was as heavy as the 11 - S attack, and it made George feel over the world.

Bye bye, Amancio!

The sound and the images of the bomb exploding made Mr Amancio got up surprised.
 

-What the hell???
 

He was in his bed, sleeping with his wife. Grace woke up too when she heard her husband.
 

-Hey, Amancy, are you ok? –She asked-.

-Oh my god, Grace… I had a terrible nightmare.

-Really? What happen?

Amancio keep on silence a few seconds.
 

-I... I... I was the owner of a chicken sexer company. 

The inheritance

-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?

Adham didn’t like up early, especially if the reason was receiving bad news.

-I don't know, my Lord. We got it this morning, but the sender is unknown at this moment.

-It doesn't care me! Find it immediately and bring him to me!

-But, my Lord...

Adham looked to Jaber, which was enough to make him going outside of the office of the King. Adham stayed there, alone. He could listen again the voice of the news in the TV. He was watching a comedy movie sitting in his coach before Jaber interrupted him. Now he was in front of the TV again, but he was not laughing. He was alone again, but now he was only reading the letter that was received this morning on the palace:

«His Royal Highness: I hope you were enjoying in this new palace, but remember that you got it killing a lot of innocent people and that this is not your land. I will personally kill you. See you soon»

YOU ARE GONNA DIE!

The last 8 years were had been really bloody, but finally the troops of Adham was capable of winning the enemy and conquer the Land of Abu Duahala. He moved to his new palace with the 15 most beautiful maidens that he ever known. One per each year of war. And now, that everything was calmed, he received this letter. After read it again and again, Adham ordered to Muawîyya come inside, which was his old counselor since his father died 15 years ago.

-So Muah -asked the King after a little chat-, I hope you'll understand that I need your help again...

-First of all change the law for your interests. Turn killings into something illegal.

-Muah, come on... We arrived here one week ago, but obviously the murders are already illegal.

-But the fine is only the prison in the worst cases. Make a law to kill the killers.

-Kill the killers?

-Absolutely. Death penalty for the murderers.

Adham thought about it for a few seconds.

-Muah...

-My Lord?

-You are a fucking genius.

The next day an official statement announced the new law: "the King Adham has declared that after today, 2th of August of the year of the Victory, all the people who were condemned by a murder will be sentenced to death in all the territories of Abu Duahala".

This notice caused stupor between the neighbors of this happy area, who always enjoyed killing to all the people who contradict them. Until this moment, kill another one was only punished with a slap in the face, so the rumors started really quickly about the reason of this new law. But it didn't care to Adham, he felt more confidence with the security in the palace, and he celebrated it with picking up two of the 15 women he had: Fareeda and Firdoos. Fareeda and Firdoos was the two most beautiful maidens of all Abu Dahala, and they fought constanlly to be the number one, the favorite of the King.

-My Lord –Firdoos said-, I think we can enjoy more being only two. You know, I mean... You and... Just you and me, my Lord.

-I don’t think so, Firdoos. If you have the possibility of conquer 40 countries, why choose only one province?

-But my Lord…

This time Fareeda didn’t say anything. The rumors about the possibility of that someone kill Adham created a concern cloud all around the palace. There was not time to discussions, she knew that she had to satisfy her King. Probably it would be her last opportunity to do id.

In this map I put in some colours my next military (and sexual) goals.

The next morning he was waked up by Jaber, who knocks on his door anxiously. When the King opened, Jaber was exhausted and Adham imagine the worst. In fact he was right: another letter had come.

-We don't know yet who are sending this notes, my Lord.

-I will kill you if don't find out right now who are him!

From the door, the cleaner was looking, and the King very quickly starts to scream, this time to the employed.

-What the hell are you looking for?

-Nothing, my Lord.

-Can I know who are you?

-I'm Mared, my Lord. The porter, my Lord.

-Ok, Mared... And do you know who the hell sent me this note?

-I don't know what note you are talking about, my Lord.

-Any note! Go out immediately, I don't want to see anyone!

He obeyed at the moment, but suddenly the King scream again:

-Muah! Muah! Come here right now!

Muawîyya appeared in the room.

-Adham...

-Another letter, Muah. Have you read it?

-No, I haven't, but...

-«Good try banning the killers, but It's not enough for avoid your death. See you soon». Really don't we know who he is?

-We have not idea, my Lord.

-And what should I do now?

Adham was really petrified. He spent a lot of time trying to win this war, and now that he finally could got it he was going to be murdered. Only 40 years old and his life was going to ending if he didn't do something to try to avoid it.

-My Lord, we was talking about it and I think we have a good solution.

-Tell me, I trust you.

-You should do your testament.

Now he was really speechless. He late 60 seconds on say something again.

-What?

-My Lord, you should do your testament and say on it that you will give all your money to the person who kill you.

The brain of Adham was going to explode.

-Have you going to mad??

-My Lord, if you do it, all the people who want kill you will fight between them.

-All the people? What are you saying, if it's only one who...

Muah swallowed.

-There is more than one?

-Hundreds, my Lord.

-Hundreds?

-People in the village don't like you... You... Your government, my Lord.

Now he was absolutely puzzled. He thought that there was only one guy thinking on kill him, but now he discovered that there was all the city. Muah explained him that they received a lot of letters every day, but only these notes was able to pass the security control before the King, who was more and more terrified.

-And your idea is give all my money to the guy who kill me?

-Not exactly: if you announce your testament, all the people who want kill you will fight with all the potential murderers, and then in a few days there were no killers alive in the city.

-Yeah, but what happen if only one are managed on come here and kill me? Probably now will appear more people who want to do it.

-Not really: if you change your testament in this way you will not be alone during only one minute per day. All the people will be pending on you 24 hours per day. Furthermore, killing continue being illegal, so no one will be willing to die only for inherit your fortune.

This was the craziest idea he ever listened. In fact, Adham thought in order to kill his counselor, but it would have been a bad idea. At the end of the day was the one who knew him best.

He wrote his testament after more than 50 tries. Couldn't be easy for anyone write something like this, he thought. When he finished he couldn`t sleep thinking on all the people who wanted to kill him. Maybe live in the palace of Abu Dahala was not a good idea. Maybe the war of Abu Dahala was not a good idea as well. He thought about that during the last 15 years each night. Before that he lived in his little castle in Momox, having a quiet and easy life, but one day he decided start to travel and conquer one or two countries, which is what all the young Kings on his age do... But maybe the world was too big for him.

Before try to kill me, they will have to destroy all the kingdom.

   

The next day he woke up sweating. He didn't know what time was, but for sure it wasn't too early. Someone was knocking on the door.

-Come on! -The King said-.

Muah entered on the bedroom.

-Muah, tell me good news, please...

Muah was very direct.

-It has worked, my Lord.

-Really?

-Absolutely. We published your testament 3 hours ago and there had been 17 murders of people who wanted to kill you. Do you know what it means?

-Oh my god, it means that too much people hate me...

-Not too much, my Lord, only 17. But it means that the other 17 people, the murders of the murders, will be sentenced to death this evening.

-One moment: it means that there was 34 people who wanted to kill me?

-Only in the last 3 hours, my Lord.

-So... Is it possible that more murders appear?

-I hope so, my Lord.

-You hope so?

-Well, really I'm pretty sure that more murders will be appear.

-Oh my good...

-Don't worry, we will take every one. And today you didn't receive any note. Probably this dangerous murder was killed this morning.

He had barely started to smile with this good new when Jaber entered on the room with a letter in his hand.

-My Lord, we have another...

Muah turn to him suddenly and he motioned him to be quiet. It was too late, the King just already listened to him, and his smile had turned to a very furious face.

-Go outsite! Now!

Jaber was going out when the King scare again.

-But leave here the letter, stupid!

He read it with his old friend.

«His Royal Highness: thank you very much for the reward. Now I don't have competitors and what is more, kill you will be more satisfying when I were enyoing your fortune, your land and your women. See you tomorrow».

-What do you think, Muah?

-Probably it's a fake. It's possible that the news has been leaked and now all the citizens know it. I will not be worried abo-

-You will not be worried??? Are you kidding me???

-My Lord, getting angry is not a good idea. Try to forget it and...

-Try to forget it??? Seriously???

-We will find this guy, my Lord. I promise.

-You have 24 hours, Muah. 24 HOURS! Have you read it? He will kill me tomorrow!!!

-Keep on the palace, my Lord. We´ll try to...

-You will try???

-We will capture him, my Lord. Now keep calm.

Muah went outside and Adham keep in the room. He started to think about everything that happened this days and he decided, finally, that probably he was going to die in a few hours. But who will be the murder? And what is more, really someone was going to kill him and then request for his fortune? Probably the plan of Muah was not as crazy as he thought. Transform killing into something illegal was the best idea he ever had had. Well, technically it was not his idea, but was a good idea in any case. The plan of give all his fortune to his murder was another thing, but... Alea iacta est.

Adham knew that probably this night was going to be his last night, so he decided to spend it with the most beautiful of all his women. It was a really difficuld decision: Fareeda or Firdoos? He want to be a great experience, give the 100%, and even if he could call all of them, he preferred quality than quantity. Adham went to the Maiden’s room and after look at all of them, he announced his decision: Fareeda.

They went together to the King’s room and then he explained to her what happened.

-Fareeda, look… This is probably my last night in the world, so... I want to spend it with you.

-Thank you very much, my Lord. But maybe you want that Firdoos join us, or Ghaada, or Maraam…

-No Fareeda, I want to be with you. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever knew. Let's do every dirty thing you ever imagine.

Firdoos stayed in the Maiden’s room, really annoyed, with the other 13 women. Adham ordered increase the supervision in this area. Probably now Firdoos or the other girls have a reason to kill him, so is better to hold them off.

The king and his lover started to have the craziest night that anyone had ever had before in Abu Dahala and part of some abroad. Fareeda had a box with 18 pills of Viagra. The recommended dose is two pills for a full effect, but Adham wanted to be sure that this night was going to be perfect and he took six first for the three first times and another eight for the nexts. After 6 hours having sexual relationships he was really tired, but his body, under the effects of the Viagra, wanted more and more. And Fareeda was an insatiable lover. In more than once Adham tried to stop, but he was easy to persuade to continue.

-Darling, I'm tired...

-Your body says another thing...

-Ok, only one more... I might die tomorrow, so let's go!

Ok, well, I didn't want, but... Let's sex!

And again, and again, and again. When he took the last pill of Viagra (he didn't need it really, but he preferred to be sure) she suggested taking handcuffs and handcuff him to the bed. He liked the idea: if he was bound he didn't have to move too much.

Fareeda closed the handcuffs and make him shock one more time. But when they was in the middle of another sexual experience, he understood what was happening there: the murder was Fareeda. She was going to kill himself after a sex session like this. In fact he was near to faint cause the ecstasy. Damn bitch, if the next day the police found his body, Fareeda would tell that was an accident and... Involuntary homicide. She will not sentenced to death -in fact she will not sentenced to anything- and she will inherit all his fortune.

-FUCKING BITCH! -He scream-.

-OH, YEAH, INSULT ME!

But he was not playing. He pushed her with his body and then tried to quit off the handcuffs. It wasn't easy, but he could do it before she stood up.

-What happen? -She asked-.

-You!! You are de killer!!

-What the hell? You are crazy! Too much sex turned you crazy!

-Don't say no, damn bitch!

He punched her and she fall in the floor. He started kicking her, who continued scared in the floor looking for help. But then someone opened the door and shot the King. The bullet went through his soldier and the King fall on the carpet of the room. He still alive. Farela stood up. Adham stayed at the floor, he was missing a lot of blood.

-Fareela, are you OK?

The voice on the other side of the door was calling the girl.

-Yes, I am. Don't you want join us?

Adham was feeling very bad. Finally he was going to die, but.. Who was his murder? He could guess it very quickly, when he entered by the door.

-Who... Who... Who the hell are you?

-Mared, my Lord.

-Mared?

-Mared, the porter. Do you remember? You met me yesterday.

-Stupid mother fucker...

-Shut up, asshole! –Fareeda screamed-.

-Fareeda... You... You...

-Well done darling -Fareeda told to Mared-. And you, stupid arrogant -said to the king now-, you are a lucky guy... Do you know how much the people of Abu Dahala suffered during the last 15 years?

-I... I...

Mared looked at him but started to talk with his partner.

-Be careful, here we are in the blind spot of the security camera.

-I know where I can deactivate it.

-Really? Oh my god, that's the reason because I love you. Come on!

Fareeda went outside and Mared stayed with the president.

-Mared...

Mared start to smoke a cigarette.

-Mared... You will not enjoy the money... I... You... You shot me, this is a murder and you will condemned to die.

Mared laughed.

-You are so stupid. You have a security camera that recorded a video of you punching and kicking Fareeda. I only was doing my job when I saw someone in the dark trying to kill another one. Probably was the King, and thanks to the alarm that they gave to all the employers I have this gun with me. Easy, Adham, easy...

-You will... You... I will avenge...

-You will avenge? Shut up, please, shut up. This is my avenger for kill all my family, my town and all in what I believed. All the people in Abu Dahala want see your corpse. I will be a hero. No, sorry, I will be a rich hero! Your palace, your fortune, your women... All will be mine.

Fareeda entered in the bedroom again.

-All the cameras are turned out now -she said-.

-Excellent.

Mared shot 10 times against the King, who died at the moment. Then he kissed Fareeda.

-We are rich, baby. Fucking rich.

But she understood something: one shoot could be justified, but not eleven.

He gave her the gun while he phoned the police to tell what happened there... But when he dialed the number he could understand, very quickly, that his plain had failed. And think about his mistake was the last thing he did, because Fareeda shot him with the three bullets left in the gun and he died at the moment.

What the fuck...???

Three days later she explained to the police her version of the story: after a long sex night together, the King had dead. The porter, who wanted the fortune, shoot the king after punch her to avoid that her could look for help, and when she could stood up had to kill Mared in auto defense. He shoot the King for be sure that the killer was himself and no the maiden, but unfortunatelly the cause of the death was too much sex.

She was the official killer of the King, but was not her fault so she wasn't condemned. She inherited all the fortune and was acclaimed for all the country. The corpse of Mared was thrown to the river -is the tradition in Abu Dahala when a porter die-, and Fareeda had a full live with the money of Adham, his palace and his maidens.