How I met your mother

This story was written originally for this blog, but I published first in my other blog in Spanish. If you want to read it in the Cervantes language, just follow this link. If you prefer to correct my mistakes in the Shakespeare Language, please continue here.

The living room was in silence. George broke it.

-Guys, let me tell you the most beautiful story you'll ever listen.

Probably you think you have listened this story before. Well, there are a lot of versions.

 

The teenagers didn’t answer. There was no point in it, at the end of days it was true: they wasn’t going to listen something like this never more.

 

-Everything started a sunny morning when I went to my work. I don’t know if she told you, but at that time I was the looser of the office. Sad but true, isn’t it? Anyway, I worked as chicken sexer in an important multinational. I was able to sort out more than a thousand chicken per hour. Too much? Well, my job mates people used to classify more than five thousand with less than a 1% of errors. Awesome? Fuck them. But the fact is that my low speed looking the sex of the birds was terrible for the company. Why I continued working there? Well, basically because we was more than 100 chicken sexers. The first day of the month, when Mr Amancio, the boss, saw the results, came to the workshop trying to find who was the slower guy, and obviously the next this guy was a new unemployed… But I never was this person. I had my own tip: over my desk I always had a lot of papers and letters. It really was flyers about The Riviera Club. The Riviera, you know, guys… The Striptease club, you are old enough to know it.

At this moment her mother looked at George really worried.

-Ok, ok, sorry for that… Anyway, when Mr Amancio came I used to take this lot of papers and start to run very serious, like if it was something important. My goal was only one: going out before he saw that I was the slower employed. And it always worked: I took my papers at the moment that he appeared at the door. I only said things like “Hey, Mr Amancio! Let me go, it’s urgent!” or “Excuse me, but… You’ll receive an email about that, cannot explain you now!” Then I only had to go to the coffee bar and spend there one or two hours. Mr Amancio used to go out before, but just in case he continued there I took again the papers and run again to my work position. I had missed two hours, it was perfect. In this time a normal employed could determinate the sex of more than ten thousand chickens. I didn’t sex anyone, but I continued in my job.

The guys continued with their eyes on George, but they didn't say anything.

-Sincerely, guys: I hated my job. It was the worst shit ever, but… I needed the money. Rober, please, could you bring me a glass of wine? You know, I shouldn’t stand up…

Rober looked at Helen, his sister, and then he went to the kitchen and served George a little of wine from a bottle called «Albariño».

-Excellent wine –I said when I tasted it-. Where is it from? I do really like it.

-I don’t know –Rober said-. I just… I just find it at the supermarket.

-Nice, nice… Well, where I was? Oh, yeah, my fucking job… What time it is?

-Ten to seven –Rober said, really nervous.

-Ten to seven?? We have not too much time. Ok, quickly… Yes, well, the main thing is I hated my job. It was a terrible routine: I had to wake up at 6am, take a shower, get some breakfast, spend one and a half hour in the traffic jam and entre at the workshop at 9am. Then I had to be there till 1pm looking to the fucking ass of the fucking chicken, and after one hour of brake, continue looking asses till 7pm. After a very productive day –about 9 hours looking 9,000 chicken asses- I had to take again my old car and going to my little apartment. This was my life during the 11 years before. I started to work in Chickxer, the chicken sexer company set up by Mr Amancio, when I finished my degree in graphic design. Someone told me that it was a career with a lot of future… Ha! Anyway, I spent 11 fucking years of my life in this cove. Do you know how my life was during this 11 years? I’ll tell you: I hadn’t friends. I had time enough to meet new people! When I arrived at my place I smelled like chicken. I smelled like ass chicken even after 3 showers with bleach and acetone. Do you know how many times could I pick up any girl in 11 years? I’ll tell you too: Zero! I thought every day in commit suicide, but I was not brave enough. But always changed the day I met your mother… Grace, Darling, do you want to sit down with us?

Grace came to the coach slowly. She took a chair and join them in the living room. She was so nervous as well, looking continuously her clock. George did the same: six to seven. It was later than George thought, so he carried on with his story.

-The day I met your mother Mr Amancio came to the workshop. When I took my papers and I started to run, saying hello to Mr Amancio, I stumbled over her. She was at the workshop with the guys of her class teaching them how a chicken sexer company works, and accidentally I throw all my papers. Mr Amancio came to help us. First your mother, of course, and then I… But he turned really furious when he saw that my papers hadn’t relationship with the work – in fact, this papers was flyers of the striptease club, I told you. He said that I was the worst human person he’d ever known, and that I should be ashamed about my behavior in front of the children, and said too that I had not to go to work the next day. But it didn’t matter to me, because I just had met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen: your mother.

-You are…

Grace was going to cry, but George interrupted her.

-Grace, Grace… Please! Let me finish. What time is now?

-Four minutes –She said, with tears in her eyes-.

-Ok, it’s ok… Well, guys, this is what happened when I met your mother. She felt so bad because, thought, I had lost my employ because her fault. I was like I shit, I mean, I do really hate this fucking job, but this terrible profession was all that I had. But when I finished to take all my things your mother came to talk with me to apologize about what had happened. I was pretty nervous, it was the first time in 11 years that a girl talked to me. Mr Amancio had left the place and she apologized about what had happened. She suggested me to have a dinner together, so we arrange a meeting the next week in her place. It was the happiest moment in my life. Suddenly I had forgotten the idea of commit suicidal, I knew that dying was not going to make me feel good. What I do really wanted to do was being with your mother. Well, being with your mother and put a bomb in the workshop… What first of all being with your mother. She was so gorgeous… Isn’t she? Look at your mother, Rober. Isn’t she the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen?

Rober looked at her mother.

-Mum, I… I love you.

Grace cried and hugged his son.

-Guys, guys… It isn’t time to be cheesy. Come on, what time is now?

-Three to seven –Helen said, looking to the clock and crying-.

-Ok, so you should know the ending… I spent one week having 5 showers per day with bleach and acetone, and when I could erase the smell of the ass chicken I went to get some dynamite and a gun – you never know when you will need it. My plan was so easy, going to the workshop after dinner with your mother and destroy it… But how was I going to know that she is the bitchiest woman in the world?

-We only want to apologize for that!

-Grace, please, don’t scream… Respect the corpse of your husband, please.

Both children looked at the carpet when the corpse of his father was.

-Guys, I have to tell you something: I like you. I know that outside there is dozens of police cars, two helicopters… Doesn’t matter, I’m going to die. But you don’t have to do it. If you promise me that you are not going to be a fucking asshole if you are the boss any day, it won’t be a problem if you want to go. Obviously, your mother will die here, with me, but you can save your life if…

And then the clock started to sound: it was seven o’clock.
 

-Sorry guys. Too late.

The bomb exploded. The explosion was as heavy as the 11 - S attack, and it made George feel over the world.

Bye bye, Amancio!

The sound and the images of the bomb exploding made Mr Amancio got up surprised.
 

-What the hell???
 

He was in his bed, sleeping with his wife. Grace woke up too when she heard her husband.
 

-Hey, Amancy, are you ok? –She asked-.

-Oh my god, Grace… I had a terrible nightmare.

-Really? What happen?

Amancio keep on silence a few seconds.
 

-I... I... I was the owner of a chicken sexer company.